Cause I see sparks fly, whenever you smile

Have you ever met someone and knew instantly that you liked everything about them. When they say your name you can't see or hear anyone else but them ? When they smile at you, it melts your heart. When they hug you its the best part of your day. When they want to hangout with you and you feel like the luckiest person in the world. When you're with them and they make you laugh, you feel happier than you ever have in your whole life. When they look at you, you finally understand the true meaning of someone whose beautiful inside and out. Everything they do makes you like them more and more. You can actually for once be yourself around them.

 

Well let me tell you about this guy I know. I feel like we all have that one guy in our lives that makes you smile even when you're not with them. Even if they aren't "yours". You can't explain how you feel to other people because you're scared if they realize how great he is they will want him to. Lets call him S. And no this isn't the same S from previous blog posts. He has to be the most amazing boy I have ever met. I knew from the moment I met him that I would like him. This all started just over 4 months ago. When I met him at work. I didn't really know him because we both worked in different areas. But I noticed him. For the longest time I thought he was dating one of the girls at work, so I didn't do anything or say anything to anyone. I remember the day I got his number, I actually asked for it. We were at a BBQ with a bunch of coworkers and he went to leave and me having a few drinks in me said "Hey we should hangout sometime, whats your number ?" needless to say, it worked and we exchanged numbers. I also thought it would be a good idea to just spill the beans with a "Hey I think you're super cute and I had to tell you, I have the biggest crush on you" text.. The next day getting ready for work I was like OMG no, why did I do that ? We didn't really talk much that day. I would go out of my way to avoid him. So finally I was like this is stupid and just texted him and made everything good. We casually started to talk more. He invited me out one night with everyone, and that was the first night I truly got to know him. We danced together, had some drinks. It was cold out that night and I had left my purse and coat in his car so when we were outside he hugged me to make me warm. A girl came up and said we were the cutest couple ever.. We both laughed and said no we were only friends. At that moment I thought to myself. DO NOT FALL FOR HIM. I saw him as such a good friend at this point. I ended up getting a new position at work as did he. So now we see each other lots. He helps me out all the time, we talk all the time. Hangout tons. Go on all our breaks together. Car rides. We even sing to each other. I just feel like I am the happiest and luckiest girl ever when I am with him. Now, as great as this all sounds, I also have been hiding my feelings. Everyone calls us out on it and askes "when will you two just date ?" "Its obvious you guys like each other" But we play it cool and just deny it. So I couldn't take it anymore. I have gone a few real dates since I have known him. He met one of them at a going away party and hated the guy and told me not to ever date him. And I have met another guy, hes super sweet and we went on a really nice date. But its not far to keep doing this knowing I have feelings for someone else. It just isn't. So I told myself I had no other choice but to tell him how I truly felt. So I did. We were out for drinks with a bunch of, and all of them always make comments about us and how we like each other. Heck his roommate was even there and she asked me how I felt about him and I lied and said he was just a friend. So we're all dancing and me and him leave to go get another drink. I thought hey this is a wonderful time to spill the beans. So I just came out with it and said "you're great I love hanging out with you" he agreed and said the same thing about me. So we went outside together, and I just sat down and looked away. He asked me what was wrong and I said "can I be honest with you ? I just.. I really really reallly reallly realllly like you, I have these stupid feelings for you and I think you're amazing and I just have to tell you" He didn't really say a lot. But he did say he liked me too but he didn't want to do this well we were both drinking. I felt as though he only said it to make me feel better, but who knows. We went back inside and everyone was still dancing. We were just standing at the table and I looked at him and asked him to hug him. So he did. But he also kissed me, and we just made out. His roommate came up afterwards and said "I thought you didn't like him" well, obviously I lied. Because I am falling for this boy and I just don't know what to do :(.

 

Everything seems to be good. And I said sorry for my actions and he was fine. Everything seems normal, but who knows.. I guess I will once I see him at work. I just haven't felt this way about someone for so long... Dang you feelings you really suck.

 

N



Sometimes admitting you were wrong, is the hardest part.

I have blogged in such along time. But maybe it will help clear my head about everything. I've been feeling pretty upset lately, and its weird because everything in my life is going fine. I should be happy. But then I think about how horrible of a person I really am. I am a really mean, unhappy person. Its almost like the way I act sometimes towards people makes me feel better, but it really doesn't. I am so unhappy with everything in my life, that I have pushed away the people who meant the most to me. So with that being said I am going to dedicate this to some of those people who deserve and apology, even if they never read it, or never forgive me. I will hopefully feel better admitting how I did them wrong.

 

 

Dear F : Everything with you is up and down. It has been mostly up since I moved. but you make me feel guilty for being more happy which isn't fair. I am sorry that sometimes I ignore your phone calls. And sometimes I lie and say I am busy just so that I don't have to talk you.

 

 

Dear N : I'm sorry for how our relationship is now. But I don't know how to be nice or cival with you after everything. You did a lot for me when I first got here but then its like you threw it all away and I am not sure how to forgive you. So instead I just don't really talk to you at all.

 

 

Dear JL : Where do I even start ?

I remember all the times in my life when I felt like I had noone, but at the end of the day I always had you. You were always there. And what did I do ? I let the influence of listening to other people take that away. I let everything people said become how I felt about you. You were never a bad friend, you never did anything wrong. You aren't "Toxic", you're not a bad person. You never did me wrong. We both did things to hurt to each other, but we got over it and found ways to smile and be bestfriends. I thought when I said all the horrible things I said that I wouldn't miss you, or think about you. Or ever want to see you again. I am sorry I made no time for you when I came to visit, thats not the person I am. And as much as it may have hurt you, it hurt me more to know I wasn't going to see you because of my actions. Sometimes they say if you love something let it go, if it comes back its yours and thats how you know. I guess you could say I love you, and let our friendship go and you just aren't ever coming back. I messed up. I literally lost the bestest friend I ever had, over my own words. How do you forget that ? You just don't. I couldn't tell you why I thought saying everything I said to you was okay. The fact that this is the only way I know how to appologize is pathetic. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, talk to me, or want anything to do with me again. I've cried so many times. I look at pictures of us from years ago to right up until I left. I just don't really know why I did it. You're such an amazing person, you're too good for most people. You are going places in life and you make other people jealous with how great you're doing. You have found someone who truly loves everything about you, and you deserve it. I only wish you the best in life. This has to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to write. But with this, I think I may be able to let go now. I know I won't ever forget you, but everytime I think of you I'll remember why we aren't friends, because of what I did. I truly miss you, and wish that I never let things get like this. I'm going to end it here because the tears won't stop and just hope that you know how bad I feel.

 

 

 

N