I have blogged in such along time. But maybe it will help clear my head about everything. I've been feeling pretty upset lately, and its weird because everything in my life is going fine. I should be happy. But then I think about how horrible of a person I really am. I am a really mean, unhappy person. Its almost like the way I act sometimes towards people makes me feel better, but it really doesn't. I am so unhappy with everything in my life, that I have pushed away the people who meant the most to me. So with that being said I am going to dedicate this to some of those people who deserve and apology, even if they never read it, or never forgive me. I will hopefully feel better admitting how I did them wrong.
Dear F : Everything with you is up and down. It has been mostly up since I moved. but you make me feel guilty for being more happy which isn't fair. I am sorry that sometimes I ignore your phone calls. And sometimes I lie and say I am busy just so that I don't have to talk you.
Dear N : I'm sorry for how our relationship is now. But I don't know how to be nice or cival with you after everything. You did a lot for me when I first got here but then its like you threw it all away and I am not sure how to forgive you. So instead I just don't really talk to you at all.
Dear JL : Where do I even start ?
I remember all the times in my life when I felt like I had noone, but at the end of the day I always had you. You were always there. And what did I do ? I let the influence of listening to other people take that away. I let everything people said become how I felt about you. You were never a bad friend, you never did anything wrong. You aren't "Toxic", you're not a bad person. You never did me wrong. We both did things to hurt to each other, but we got over it and found ways to smile and be bestfriends. I thought when I said all the horrible things I said that I wouldn't miss you, or think about you. Or ever want to see you again. I am sorry I made no time for you when I came to visit, thats not the person I am. And as much as it may have hurt you, it hurt me more to know I wasn't going to see you because of my actions. Sometimes they say if you love something let it go, if it comes back its yours and thats how you know. I guess you could say I love you, and let our friendship go and you just aren't ever coming back. I messed up. I literally lost the bestest friend I ever had, over my own words. How do you forget that ? You just don't. I couldn't tell you why I thought saying everything I said to you was okay. The fact that this is the only way I know how to appologize is pathetic. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, talk to me, or want anything to do with me again. I've cried so many times. I look at pictures of us from years ago to right up until I left. I just don't really know why I did it. You're such an amazing person, you're too good for most people. You are going places in life and you make other people jealous with how great you're doing. You have found someone who truly loves everything about you, and you deserve it. I only wish you the best in life. This has to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to write. But with this, I think I may be able to let go now. I know I won't ever forget you, but everytime I think of you I'll remember why we aren't friends, because of what I did. I truly miss you, and wish that I never let things get like this. I'm going to end it here because the tears won't stop and just hope that you know how bad I feel.