Saturday, 24 March 2012

Cause that truth hurts & those lies kill

So I've been spending this week "thinking" a lot. About many things, how I feel. I've spent a lot of time dealing with my own thoughts and how I have been made out to feel. You know when you're s mad at someone that you wish you could just pretend like you never that met that person ? Or wish they would just go away, but they won't go away because they care. Thats my life. Even though everyone messes up sometimes, heck I've done it too. We all do it. We even do it to the ones we love most. I know you're going to read this and clue into as why maybe I'm not being the person I usually am, and I know that we've talked and things seemed good. I know we have both done things to upset each other. I guess I know how you felt when your relationship ended and I hungout with your ex all the time, and I thought it was okay because he was my good friend before you ever dated. And I know you're not going to try and be with this person now, and I honestly don't think I am even all that mad at you. Its because I have envy, I'm SO angry, possibly with myself. Maybe because I just look at myself now and think "if I was more like her he would have liked me to, shes so pretty, she is going places with her life.. what am I doing" I just feel super negative about myself. And I don't want to feel this way because two friends should never be in this situation. I guess what I'm saying is even if right now I act like I don't care about you, or I don't talk to you as much, and I may not want to hangout with you right now, I still love you. I always will, and I'll always be here. I think I just need time to grasp your point of view. I'm sorry that its easier for me to sit here and type this out rather then just talk to you. But I feel like if we hungout and talked I would just be upset and cry. I'm sorry.

Well there ya all have it, straight up feelings from the heart. On the plus side, Hello new follower :) Super excited to have a new follower. Besides me being emotional all week. It hasn't been all that bad. I had a break down on Tuesday at work and bawled my eyes out and basically gave up and was ready to walk away from what I worked so hard to get. I just hate bumping heads with my boss so much, but even when I explain to  her how I feel and communicate with her she still acts the same, its really difficult. BUT being positive I had rocked it at work (obviously I didn't leave my job) I feel like we all have days like that though, where it would just be easier to give up, you can't though. Really, I saw a good quote "Not everyday will be good, but theres something good in everyday" I think I have stopped being as positive as I like. I have so much in my life that other people would cherish, I need to start being the positive happy Nicole I am. I've felt so upset and sad this week. I have cried everyday. Its worse when I'm alone, I feel like I am depressed but I have nothing to be depressed about. I hate these feelings.


1 comment:

  1. No matter how you're feeling, your friends will always be there. Even if you need time to figure yourself out they will be there in the end. Take the time you need and everything will fall into place. Remember, you may wish you were like someone else or even envy them, but people love you for you, not what you wish to be. We all want to be something were not we just have to decide if we want it that bad so we change or accept ourselves for who we are. I'm sure your friend misses and loves you, don't be such a stranger!